Hip Hip Hooray (Sigh)

Whoever placed in my idealistic mind that winning something should somehow always be all fun and games...i have a word for, thats the truth.

I´ve won a grant, thats the incredible and exciting part.

The flip side?
I have to make my project happen now. This sounds like the obvious, but truly, if i thought that my emotional stability levels and general ability to well, function as a human being, weren´t in jeopardy often enough dealing with the simple moment to moment issues of working eight hours a day in a culture, language, and well, professional setting that are completely foreign to me...little did i know what joy winning this grant would bring into my life.

Don´t get me wrong. I am excited and maybe even thrilled. i Realize this is an incredible opportunity. i realize that i just wrote and won my first grant. . .

but now i have to fulfill the obligations of those things. Oh the silly dynamics of life, why can´t i just enjoy my spoils? Are there such things as spoils? and do they involve sleeping in on a weekend just once, or even better, an afternoon off?

I´m learning day by day the while i love work, i love not being busy, harried, frantic, even more. i have a horrible habit of always trying to do more than i´m possibly capable of, and convincing myself that i damn well better finish ... or else. I´ve never gotten to that ¨OR ELSE¨...but i think that when i´m through with this month, if i´m still alive. And sane. . . i´m going to ACTUALLY STOP THIS RIDICULOUSNESS.

i just read the first blog entry of the one and only Drew Slabaugh. Drew and other beloved friends of mine(Jayne!!,Chris!,sorry i dont know you Dan! ) are hiking up the coast of ...well, the west coast. 1400 miles from Southern California to Seattle, WA. I think i´ll find something like that. something quiet. and green. some time to think and sleep and read. less walking though, perhaps, I think i´ll try a farm.

And well, all you patient readers, those of you who know me better than others, or who have just been stuck beside me for the last year or so, know how much i say things like that. But i think i´m ready to do it. and maybe i´m serious enough, i´ve felt the burn enough to make the change. The experiences i´ve had in the last few years i would never exchange for another reality. I will however, learn from them. And i think if i want to have a happy life, by which i mean a life with peace, i´m going to have to start making the decisions now, or else. Or else one day soon i´ll be 35 year old burnt out amy with grey hairs and a wild eye. You might say i can´t avoid it...well watch me. Grey hair at 35? yes, probable. Wild Eye? i might already have one. But i will not be burnt out.

thank you, and yes, i am taking my soap box with me.
love.chau. amy